This blog is really hard for me to write and make the video on because I can relate completely I’ve been there and now I want to share my experience and sadness. I was first diagnosed with cancer when I was 19 years old, I lived on my own and was basically on my own, I didn’t talk to my family or rather they didn’t talk to me. My mother I was getting to know again but the relationship was draining you see my mom disowned me because she had a mental break down and she sent my brother and I to live with different family members, she separated me from the one person I felt I couldn’t live without my brother and sent me to live with a horrible monster her uncle who then started molesting me and I honestly hated her but needed her all at the same time. How exactly does that work? I later found out more about the abuse my conscious hid from me and to this day even though she has passed I still hold a love-hate relationship in my heart for my mother. My father was different, he was a good stand up man who had remarried and nice lady for him, however not so much for me. I know they loved one another very much and they had 3 beautiful kids together they were married for over 30 years I believe, but my father because very ill he ended up with lung and bone cancer. My father went through chemo and radiation to try to beat it however he lost his battle and passed away, and I believe the last phone call I received from my father pretty much sums up our relationship my older brother and I had been invited to Christmas dinner the day prior and my father called to cancel because my stepmom only wanted family at that dinner for fear it was going to be his last and he pasted a couple of weeks later leaving my brother and I orphans.
I tell this story to explain mental health development starts at an early age and with the way I grew up was a setup for failure. With all this negative drama it’s constantly pounding in your head, you will start having dreams of things in the past and now finding out that some of those nightmares I’ve lived with were real hurts and that mental pain needs to be dealt with. For a long time, I self-medicated not only my real pain from cancer, treatments, surgeries, chemo, and the whole shebang but I was also using opioids to ease my mental pain, to knock me out so I didn’t have another nightmare. It got so bad I was sleepwalking and taking them and with no memory of doing it, and honestly now as I look back I think subconsciously I was done I was so tired, I couldn’t remember more, I couldn’t handle the demons. Luckily my husband saw what was going on and one day he approached me, however instead of calling me out on it and a whole intervention he sat down and told me story about someone he knew and all he talked to me about was the sleep-waking he said a friend at work said it about his wife and he asked me, the guy asked should he talk to his wife and now my husband asked me “what would you say to him talk to her or no?” I said definitely talk to her. Then he asked, “what if it was you?” I paused a moment and asked, is it? As he shook his head yes and lowered his head a bit I could see the level of concern and all I could say was ok what do we do? He started giving me my pills on a daily basis and hiding the rest this went on for a year and I was doing pretty well but the legal Marijuana program started in Arizona and I started my research. I read every book I could get my hands on all the way to learning how to cultivate organically. As I researched online I found it harder and harder to find information on how the different cannabis affects an individual, what different cannabis strains help with what, and can I become addicted to cannabis the way I was addicted to opioids?
In this article, I want to explain a little bit about what the chronically ill and chronic pain patients want you to know. Now I using an article I didn’t write to reference here it is a great article please read it, it’s very well written by Tea Lynn Moore.
- “We try hard to look good” This statement hits very close to home on days I Video Blog or go out it takes me close to 2 hours to get ready because I can’t stand comfortably for that amount of time without resting, then when I am ready I have to rest before the activity starts especially if what I’m doing is in the cannabis industry because if I don’t you can see the pain and the hurt in my eyes and face. I don’t want people to see me that way and start with the pity and how sorry they are, guys we know you are sorry and we know if you could fix it you would and no one can it’s ok. At the doctor now, I have learned if we don’t look sick we get the looks or the statement you look like you’re feeling good today. No, it’s not that we feel any different than any other day, it’s that we think get up get dressed try to look good on the outside so you can try to feel good on the outside and most of the time it helps a little but it just makes us feel better to look good.
- “It’s not all n our heads” OMG! If I hear another doctor say that I’m going to go insane. This is where I wish I had the superpower to just touch the doctor and for one minute they can feel what I’m feeling then they would know for a fact where it hurt and how bad and I’ll bet anyone a million dollars those doctors would fall to their knees and cry screaming in pain. I really think that’s all that needs to be said here.
- “We are not making an mountain out of a mole hole” Now for those of you that don’t understand it’s fairly simple I have gone to the hospital recently because I was in a body crash and what happens in a body crash is I start vomiting and going number 2 to the point my bowl is clear completely clear but smelly, smelly, yuck I start omitting bile, I’m in so much pain it takes everything I have to just get into the bathroom and sit on the toilet and vomit in a trash can sorry this is so descriptive but it’s pure hell. I have had the doctors come in and they start the fluids and the nausea medicine but they always try to have me swallow a Percocet and I try to nicely tell them no it’s not going to work I get ulcers in my stomach and intestines, I have ulcerative colitis and they have to do IV pain meds to get it under control. They normally try a low dose to start with or a shot of toroidal that doesn’t help, until my blood work comes back and then normally the doctor comes back in offering a higher dose normally a stay in the hospital for a few days, but always the first thing they think us were exaggerating the pain.
- “No matter how long we’ve been suffering for, it still hurts” This is a big one please understand we don’t have a timer on our pain, it doesn’t rest, it doesn’t fix itself in the middle of the night, and take a holiday. With any type of pain medication whether it be Big Pharma, medical cannabis, or sadly street drugs the more you take the more you have to take to get the same result, in other words if you take 1 opioid a day for let’s say 3 months (this is hypothetical I’m using as an example) to get the same relief from your Percocet you may now have to start taking two to get the same relief as you were getting previously, and in another 3 months you may have to move to a stronger medicine or take more for the same relief and so on. This is building a tolerance to the substance and it takes more to help. It is an endless cycle and people are needing a better quality of life we are searching for it that’s why I created this channel and blog to share my experience and hopefully help someone else.
- “Sometimes we don’t have the spoons” This analogy is perfect and was coined by Christine Miserandino a warrior living with Lupus. Please check out her blog Here there is a lot of great information to help you guys as well. The spoons signify how much strength we have we wake up each morning with a number of spoons depending on how we feel, please keep in mind the number of spoons we have vary on any given day, we then lose a spoon with each daily activity like getting out of bed, or taking a shower each activity wears us down until we just don’t have the spoons to do anything else that day.
- “We’re not lazy”, OMG! No we’re not there are many days I have to take a nap, I have to refill my “spoons” per say, or I don’t have any spoons to use so I stay in bed for the day, I will write, read, watch documentaries and nap during this time but my house doesn’t get clean, I can’t do a video blog, but I’m still actively doing something even if it’s giving my body rest so I can heal.
- “If we don’t have a job it’s for a reason”, when I found out I was terminal it sucked really bad but it opened my eyes to life, to new experiences, new people, and a whole new world. I’m being told I’m going to leave this earth, say goodbye to so many things I haven’t gotten to experience. I have a bucket list and sadly I haven’t even started it because of money, but I quit my job at first I was running away from anything that was accepting death. I really loved my job and I did help a lot of people but I wasn’t fully invested there and when they told me to choose “lose my job if I use cannabis, which is legal in this state, or keep my job and die” and yes this was the exact words used. So I chose life with cannabis, and now that I’m considered “terminal” and chronically ill we can’t find a job. Then to top it all off in order to apply for social security benefits you must be out of work for a year, how the hell is that supposed to work? So I built Freemycure.org and I started blogging as often as I could, now I write for Weed World Magazine I don’t get paid for the articles however I do it because it has improved my quality of life so much and I’m hoping to help all of you.
- “Every Minute feels like an eternity when waiting”, this statement is so true right this second, the pain in my back and bladder has started to get really bad to the point I had to take my muscle relaxer. Now the muscle relaxer is going to take approximately 45 minute, however we have changed all the clocks in our house to no second hands because I will focus on it to the point it feels like everything around me has stopped and I hear gasping for air and it feels like you’re going to pass out, it can knock the breath out of me dropping me to my knees in pain, and all you can think is please god please make it stop.
- “It’s really hard to get out bed in the morning… and always”, ok so my bed it a cushy pillow top mattress that forms around me, in the morning I wake up sore as I’m lying there, then comes the getting out of bed ritual, sit up let my head stop spinning, because of IC and Ulcerative colitis I get anemic, I’m usually pretty weak until I am able to urinate then it’s straight for the smoke room, I will pack and smoke a bowl then take my morning medication and I take a nap, this starts at 4 am every morning. I usually lay back down and rest from 5 to 7 when I start the shower and getting ready process, my hubby has learned to tell me our plans are an hour earlier so we’re not late.
- “We are not ignoring you” OMG! So true I get several people that ask what’s going on throughout the day, or even answering all the messages is exhausting when your body is fighting an illness or just picking up your phone or answering email takes energy we don’t have, or we’re mad because we don’t feel good and we don’t want to drag you into the negativity with us. Yes we get mad because we’re sick or hurting or depressed it’s normal, however, if you ever feel you need to talk to someone or need to talk to a counselor the Suicide Prevention number is 1-800-273-8255
- “We get really excited when we’re having a good day” very true statement, for example, my YouTube channel has started to grow I’ve done a couple of videos I’m really proud and happy and I will jump and dance around and be silly around the house. On a good day, I feel better, not pain-free not illness free, just better, I feel I look better on those days, I feel I can write better, and I feel I have a better mental grip on myself.
- “We get really bumbed when we have a bad day and can’t do the things we love” On bad days I feel ugly, gross, tired, depressed and in a lot of pain. Being chronically ill with chronic pain. I get mad at myself when I can’t do the things I have planned, honestly I’m my own hardest critic I think we all can be, and then with a chronic condition beating your body (that’s what it feels like) then depression hits in, now at this point please keep in mind you have a choice try finding someone around you that you can talk to I personally recommend a professional
- “It can be hard to find a good doctor” when you have a condition that causes severe pain, pain management doctors are leaving the pain management field for fear of federal prosecution and primary doctors are still sending patients to pain management doctors so they don’t face federal prosecution. So what happens to these patients? What about these peoples quality of life? What about these patients lives?
- “We are not drug seekers” This one is a little harder for me, and the reason is once anyone gets addicted it takes more of it to help. We are seeking a better quality of life, if someone could figure out how to cure all of our pain, inventing one of little scanner that they have Star track that fixes us without pills I’m am all over that.
- You don’t need to give us suggestions or medical advice”, I have had so many people that give me suggestions all the time but I promise I am pretty well versed on my condition, as with others that have chronic conditions. I have read every book I could find, hit the internet and researched everything I could find on cancer and cannabis, however, 1 thing I think is funny when you tell your primary doctor and tell him you’re using cannabis and see what he or she says.
- “Love and Support”, this one is hard for most, and I don’t blame you if it’s hard. Watching your mom, dad, sister, or brother waste away is hard, it hurts, you will curse God and apologize. I get it, but the is one thing I can honestly tell you if you really want to help us come to visit, do an activity together, and take 5 minutes to go out of your way to make a phone call, stop in and help with some of the household chores. This helps the chronically ill patients stimulates their minds, allows them to be a little less depressed, and shine a little hope at the end of the tunnel.
I personally weaned myself, with my husband’s help, off the opioids a couple of years ago and I started cannabis, on really bad days I will consume up to 4 grams of RSO a day along with smoking to help with breakthrough pain. Suicide prevention hotline 1-800-273-8255 and their web page is, //suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
STAY FREE, FLY HIGH, AND AS ALWAYS FUCK CANCER!