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Daily Diary Video Blog

White Widow X Big Bud

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Indica Dominant Hybrid – 60% Indica / 40% Sativa

THC: 16% – 23%

White Widow max is a slightly indica dominant hybrid (60% indica/40% sativa) strain that is the celebrity child of two infamous cannabis strains, Whit Widow and Big Bud. This dank bud is infamous among the cannabis community for its flawless combination of the best of both strains and its average THC level of 24-23%. White Widow Max buds have enormously over sized light minty green buds that are covered with a thick layer of dark olive green leaves and sparse thin fiery orange hairs. These buds, true to their White Widow parentage, are completely frosted with thick white tricombs and sweet sticky resin. White Widow Max has an aroma of pungent floral and a floral taste with a hint of peppery earth upon exhale. Users describe the White Widow Max high as one that is heavy hitting in the forehead and eyes, leaving you with droopy red eyes and significant pain relief. This is accompanied by a slowly spreading warming body buzz that leaves you mildly sedated and completely at ease. The high is remarkably clear-headed and doesn’t make you crash upon the come down. Due to these potent effects, White Widow Max is an ideal strain for treating chronic pain, nerve damage, and muscle spasms.

White Widow: A Globally-Known Legend

Although the exact origin of the strain is shrouded in mystery, we can guarantee the original White Widow is a Dutch classic, grown for the first time in the Netherlands.

The original White Widow was created when a sativa land-race from Brazil was pollinated by an indica hybrid from southern India. According to legend, WW was the result of years of selecting and breeding in the mountains of Kerala to produce resin-rich marijuana plants.

Since the original release back in the ‘90s, White Widow seeds have been dispersed around the globe, which has led to numerous variants on the original strain. Now, most reputable seed banks will feature a version of White Widow

GOOD YIELDS AND MANAGEABLE GROWTH

Our White Widow feminized grows to about 1m tall indoors, reaching up to 2m outside. It needs lots of light, but can be grown in colder climates such as France, the UK, and the Netherlands. Grown inside, it can yield 450–500g/m² under a 600W light. Outdoors, growers can harvest between 550–600g/plant. Although this cultivar will perform better in warm climates, it still provides excellent results in northern European climates.

White Widow finishes flowering after 9 weeks, requiring little maintenance. This is the perfect plant for first-time growers. Such characteristics also make this plant a great option for SOG and ScrOG operations.

UPLIFTING, BUZZING EFFECT

The effects from smoking White Widow are consistent with that of the best sativa-dominant plants, offering users an amazing, almost psychedelic high. Smokers will feel this in their head, with a cerebral wave washing over them. The flavor is clean and pine-fresh, with a hint of citrus on the exhale, making for an invigorating and tasty smoke experience. 

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Daily Diary Education Uncategorized Video Blog Weed Reviews

Kimbo Kush Concentrate Weed Review from @ArizonaOrganix

[et_pb_section bb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”3.0.47″][et_pb_row _builder_version=”3.0.47″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” _i=”0″ _address=”0.0″][et_pb_column type=”4_4″][et_pb_text _builder_version=”3.0.105″ background_layout=”light” border_style=”solid”] Kimbo Kush was bred by combining Platinum Blackberry Kush and Starfighter, she has THC levels that range from 27% and 29% with 1% CBD.  Today I am sampling Kimbo Kush concentrate she is a darker golden brown, a thick snap-and-pull, the concentrate itself has really no odor.  The flavor is a beautiful pungent earthy, spicy, citrus, sweet, and berry taste that will lull you into a comfortable indica hybrid relaxation, she is a 70\30 indica hybrid. The effects of Kimbo Kush are relaxed, happy, uplifted, sleepy, and giggly.  The medical benefits of Kimbo Kush are Stress, insomnia, pain, fatigue, depression, ADD, ADHD, anxiety, arthritis, muscle spasms, and loss of appetite.  The negative effects of Kimbo Kush are dry mouth and eyes, dizzy anxious and headache. Kimbo Kush is a super potent indica dominant hybrid that placed in the 2014 Seattle Cannabis Cup. This beauty packs a punch and isn’t recommended for new smokers when I started out this morning I was at a pain level of 8 and I was very nauseous after smoking 3 dabs I was at a pain level of a comfortable 6.  I was able to eat some homemade Sweet-N-Sour Chicken and keep it down.  During the first hour after medicating with Kimbo Kush I was able to clean my kitchen, some laundry, and some writing, however, found the couch lock effects were more than I could fight off in my recliner and I took an hour nap.  I love nothing more than snuggling up with a good movie on a rainy day however be warned with this concentrate you may not make it long but re-watching it will be well worth it! Thank you @ArizonaOrganix for this beautiful concentrate, I really enjoyed the experience of Kimbo Kush has created for me.  Thank you for keeping such a beautiful dispensary, great products, helpful staff, and convenient location you’re awesome!!! STAY FREE, FLY HIGH, AND AS ALWAYS FUCK CANCER! WEBSITE:  YOUTUBE: GOOGLE +: Free My Cure FACEBOOK: FACEBOOK: TWITTER:   [/et_pb_text][et_pb_video src=”https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yww2euNag5s” image_src=”//i.ytimg.com/vi/Yww2euNag5s/hqdefault.jpg” _builder_version=”3.0.105″ play_icon_color=”#7cda24″ max_width=”51%” /][/et_pb_column][/et_pb_row][/et_pb_section]
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Daily Diary Uncategorized Video Blog

2nd Surgery Morning Freak Out, Don’t Do This at Home Do it in the Hospital…JK!!

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Today is the Morning of the 2nd Surgery for the pancreatic stint, I’m going back to Del Web in about ½ half hour, I’m a little nervous not only about the second surgery but about going back to Dell Webb Hospital since the incident with that very ignorant doctor that discharged me after 5 days giving me Fentanyl and Percocet to keep me out of pain while their saying the only thing wrong with me was constipation and stopped all medical treatment after finding out that I use cannabis and am an activist for cannabis rights.  I know that everything will be ok but you still get those before surgery jitters.

If any of you have ever gone in for surgery especially recently, you have heard the “don’t smoke medical marijuana for 48 hours prior to surgery” speech and to their credit I agree, if you have any kind of lung problems from as simple as a cold to as serious as lung cancer or disease, please don’t smoke before unless you know how your going to react, because it can cause complications, that being said, I have my lungs checked regularly because I’m prone to pneumonia during the winter months, so do as I say not as I do lol.  I have smoked for several years and honestly it helps to keep me calm during pre-op if I medicate before, along with keeping my witty comedic sense of humor during a time that 20 different strangers are coming in and out of a room made solely of curtains while your business is on display for not only the 20 people in and out of your room made of curtains but everyone in the general area when they went through the curtain walls.  I haven’t had any complications in surgery from medicating with cannabis up to 2 hours prior to surgery, but Don’t do this at home kids, do it in the hospital… JK.

Stress always seems to come to a boil at the worst possible time and this has really been a rough year for us from surgeries to hospitalizations and miss-budgets, we really have had to learn to stretch a budget with my income being dissolved.  Then between cancer, hospitalizations, surgeries, not to mention weekly doctors’ appointments, daily medication, bathroom schedules, and eating schedules, physical therapy, and immune deficiency which means if anyone around me gets sick so am I… which causes my spouse to miss time at work and use up his vacation to where not only do neither one of us get a vacation ever, my poor spouse has to work and take care of me, with No time off!!  Boy am I glad he loves me and I put out, just kidding, but not really, where would I be if he got tired, tired of working all the time and not getting that time to rest.

What do you think happens in the heads of patients like me, that so desperately want that vacation, some develop some pretty significant additions to escape the pain a desperation, because every blow-up is significant to us every breakdown could be the one that finally pushes us over the edge, to grasp at that desperation of vacation for so long that something bad happens like O.D. or suicide and sometimes the line between the two is so thin you can’t see where one ends and the other begins.  Guys, I’m not suicidal right now I have been in the past but if any of you are ever feeling as if suicide is the only thing that makes sense smoke a bowl an entire bowl, then call the suicide prevention hotline number and website are here 1-800-273-8255.  Seeking help isn’t a weakness it’s a hidden power within all of us to share our story and positively affect change!

STAY FREE, FLY HIGH, AND AS ALWAYS FUCK CANCER!

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Daily Diary Uncategorized Video Blog

DYI High Crafts Making Flower Pots Out of Empty Cheese Ball Tubs

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If you guys are like us you have empty plastic tubs laying around the house, one day I decided to look up how long it takes plastic to decompose.  I was surprised and saddened to see it takes 450 to 1000 years for plastic to decompose.  Up to 1000 years to decompose, think about that for a minute we use plastic products almost everyday in our water bottles, soda bottles, plastic soda cups that you buy from your local convenient store, plastic food containers that you would get from your local grocery store, and to many other plastic products to name.

I started collecting the plastic tubs that the cheese balls came in from Sam’s Club because my other half can polish off one tub in a weekend.  I collected 4 I had them sitting in my studio and every day I tried to think of something to with them.  In 2017 France proposed a National Climate Plan, many countries backed this new plan, however, the United States opted out of the proposal and I wanted to do something locally to show my support for Frances proposal so I built a garden on our property.  When I harvest the fruits and vegetables there’s usually too much for the 2 of us so I share it with the neighbors at no cost.  Being a cancer patient and chronically ill bag of bones it’s hard for me to hold down a 5 day a week “project or job” it really wears me down and when I get run down I get sick.

I was working out in my garden one morning and started running out of planters for the seeds I had and I have been building up the garden making it a tranquil filming studio for my Strain reviews and it hits me I have paint, stencils, even some glitter so I started playing with the first tub and ended up making this cute planter so this is how I did it.

Materials needed:
Scissors                Knife                     Screw gun
Paint                      Glitter                   Stencils
Screw                    Plastic Tub           hot glue gun

Instructions:

So the first thing I did was figure out how tall I wanted each pot and drew a line all the way around the tub, using the knife I’m going to make a big enough hole in the tub so I can use the scissors to cut the rest of the way around keeping the top portion.  With the bottom part of the tub, you’re going to want to use the screw and screw gun to make holes, the bottom of these tubs are seriously thick and hard to cut holes with the screw it can be just as difficult I had to use my body weight to get the screws to push through.  You’re going to need from 5 to 10 holes at the bottom of the tub once done you can paint the bottom tub as you desire and set aside.  Grab the top part of the tub and cut 4 x cuts in the lid because we are going to use this as a small water retainer, put the lid back on the top of the tub using a hot glue gun glue the top of the tub to the bottom of the tub as a stand.  Once the glue is dry, like 5 seconds now you can paint and decorate the flower pot as you desire.  A couple of tips don’t use washable paint I did with the first one and the paint washed off within a couple of weeks.  If you’re using the stencils with this it’s easier if you use spray paint and it looks nicer.

These projects are fun for me I used to do them with my kids and I owned a daycare for many years, but the really cool thing is it helps me relax and I feel this is my small part to help the environment, other than my recycling, community trash pick up helper, and food donations, if each one of us does a small part for the environment I feel it could really help and if I can do it pretty much anyone one can.

Thank you guys so much for watching my videos subscribing to my channel and just helping me when I’m having a bad day, all of you help me so much Thank you

 

 

STAY FREE, FLY HIGH, AND AS ALWAYS FUCK CANCER!

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Daily Diary Education Uncategorized Video Blog

My Surgery and the Conflict of the Medtronic’s Implant Story Time

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This was supposed to be a Vista Print Promo Box, so for that, I apologize it ended up being a rationalization on the Medtronic’s implant and I opened up and spoke for the first time about whether or not this implant is actually working.  Remember my next step is bladder removal and I’m really not liking the choices at this point, Medtronic’s calls every 2 days to go over my symptoms so they can see whether it’s working and I have to keep a bladder urine journal that notates the date and time I use the bathroom, the volume I void each time (voiding is peeing), and whether I use a catheter or if I can void anything without the assistance of a catheter.  At this point I use a catheter and haven’t been able to void on my own for several years, I also can feel the bladder spasms every day and before the implant I was counting up to 50 spasms during the waking hours and I since the implant I have had anywhere from 15 to 25 spams a day so that is a drastic decrease.

I have a disease called Interstitial cystitis, with this disease there is no cure but there are a few ways to make life a little more bearable this implant is supposed to help control the bladder allowing me to void without a catheter, fingers crossed I still use a catheter for now, but I am being positive.  I also have a special diet avoiding acidic foods or spicy foods.  Along with watching what I eat I have to stay as hydrated as possible that means I drink up to a half gallon of water every day or more if possible keeping my body fully flushed is extremely important because of IC letting the bladder “have a day off” or not drinking water will cause a flare up.  A flare-up is when the bladder gets these little cysts type things that pop up and cover the inner lining of the bladder causing infections, severe spasms, nausea and vomiting, fevers, hot and cold sweats, severe pain, and bleeding and believe me when I say you don’t want to mess with any animal that bleeds for a week a month a doesn’t die and sadly I’m not talking about the monthly friend every woman is blessed with.

With as much as the diseases I have, it sucks and we all die one day, as for death I’m not afraid I have excepted it will happen one day, not anytime soon thank god but I can honestly say before I started cannabis I prayed for death to come sooner even “joking” when I went to the hospital saying just to send me out back to the firing squad.  Going through cancer treatment IC treatments, UC treatments, plus just opening up my bank account would stress me out to the point of ulcers.  I was on 24 different Big Pharma medications to control all the side effects from the treatments and honestly abused opioids probably in an attempt to subconsciously commit suicide and the depression.

Depression is hell on the entire body, mind, and soul.  Depression is finally starting to get the attention it deserves, when I get depressed I really have a hard time doing my vlogs, writing up my articles, doing the actual weed reviews isn’t really all that special but it’s therapeutic for me, when I first started I didn’t have a clue of what cannabis was going to do to me and when I went to platforms like YouTube were using cannabis recreationally and they were doing full gram challenges falling over drooling and as funny as it was it freaked me out as a medical user, I’m not doing this just for the “high” effects, I’m doing this for life-saving medicine because if cancer didn’t get me the depression almost did.  I didn’t really tell anyone at the time but when I first started cannabis I had a suicide plan.  I was done with the pain, with the pills and the opioids, I was done with life there had to be something better.  Thank God I gave cannabis a full chance, I found a purpose again with cannabis and I started making real videos that show how cannabis really affects the daily user a regular woman that has the same daily struggles as the rest of you.

I do apologize about this rant video but I thank you in the same turn being able to talk this through has been extremely helpful.  When a company want to know how do you feel about having a 2 foot tail for the rest of my life or a bladder bag on my side or down my leg is a worse choice a little improvement is better than no improvement so thank you for listening and helping me work through this very difficult life choice.

STAY FREE, FLY HIGH, AND AS ALWAYS FUCK CANCER!

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Daily Diary Uncategorized Video Blog

Daily High Club Unboxing!

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Daily High Clubs August El Primo Box 2018

$30.00 with free US Shipping

Each massive box is stuffed to the brim with the latest and greatest smoking supplies. All of our hand-picked favorites!

 

  • You’ll always get new glass for your mantle
  • $80 worth of products
  • Always get the essentials

*$11 shipping to Canada
*$18 shipping to
 non-US/CA

This Box was mailed in a plain brown box that had no marking every hit and beyond! With this completely safe and easy to use candy Watermelon Pipe, every puff is a treat.  Insert the plastic straw into the mouthpiece to prevent resin from building up inside. that depicted cannabis or cannabis paraphilia so when I saw the DHC postage mark I was excited because I knew what it was going to be< so let’s open this baby up!

The Lollipipe 100% Edible Candy Pipe Savor the flavor of

Hemparillo Sweet Hemp Wraps All natural and made from pure Canadian Hemp, these extra-long wraps are perfect if you need something to do while waiting for the pizza man.  Sometimes these wraps have a little trouble keeping closed.  If you find yourself having similar problems try wetting your finger with some water – that usually does the trick for us!

Raw Pre-Rolled Cone, King Size Recipes are hard enough, don’t worry about adding rolling to the mix.  We’ve got you covered with these all-natural papers that are always printed with a crisscross watermark to ensure an even slow burn.

Buddie Tube Perfect protection for anything from pre-rolls to pretzel sticks.  Be sure to keep your stash safe from the outside world!

MK Mini grip Lighter It’s hard to cook without heat, so let’s get this fire started! Roast a bowl or two while you’re chillin’ out by the grill.  No barbecue is complete without some smoke!

Juicy Jay Watermelon Flavored 1 ¼ rolling papers Perfect to combat the midsummer heat!! These papers are bursting with flavor thanks’ to Juicy’s triple Dip-Tech!  1 ¼ wide papers are a classic in the roll-your-own world; thanks to their size they can hold more herbs and are easier to twist!

14mm Female Frosted donut Rig Satisfy that sweet tooth with a tasty treat! Our Delicious donut rig comes frosted with a 14 mm female joint and a four whole puck perc.  Can’t forget the toppings!  Sprinkled on the top is a donut freshly fried for you! 

DHC Sticker Set When it comes to sharing, everyone loves snacks and stickers and smoke!  Show us where you share yours with #DailtyHighClub!

Thank You so much Daily High Club for this awesomely fun box and please remember addiction is no joke seek help the street drugs these days are deadly and not worth chasing the  dragon.  I understand the power of addiction and PTSD and the only analogy I can compare is a padded room in a psyc-ward somewhere, when I used pills it was to help ease the pain, physical and mental pain, I began using more pills to try to cushion my brain, until I found cannabis.  Today I use cannabis as my padded room, I know I’m safe, I can dab into my past and start coming to terms with my problems without as much stress or anxiety, with cannabis I feel I’ve gotten a second chance to see the world and the people around me in a new color “Green”.  I will never judge someone for their addictions because I’ve had a hard struggle, but from everything that I have read, watched, written, talked to people about and personally witnessed is the question I leave you with; would you prefer a padded room to go crazy in or hard brick wall to bounce off of?  

To join Daily High Club Link Here

STAY FREE, FLY HIGH, AND AS ALWAYS FUCK CANCER!

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Daily Diary Weed Reviews

Birthday Cake Concentrate Review from @wam

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Today I’m reviewing Birthday cake concentrate from Wickenburg Alternative Medicine in Surprise Arizona.  Birthday Cake is a 50\50 hybrid that leans more towards the indica effects.   This beautiful golden clear concentrate doesn’t really have an odor, however, the taste is a pungent fruity sweet vanilla flavor, she doesn’t have the pepper burn like so many concentrates I have used.  Birthday cake descends from Girls scout CookiesCherryherry Pie, I feel the effects of cannabis in my throat first with this strain making it feel like your throat is swelling a little, it’s not painful but as the effects move down my throat I can feel the cannabis relaxing my shoulders like a warm blanket covering me.

This evening before I smoked the birthday cake concentrate my pain level was at 9, and the first time I smoked cannabis today.  Because of cannabis prices over the last couple of years, I have had to learn how to ration the medication so I can get as much pain management coverage as possible, I have also learned that no matter how many pills I take some residual pain is good, it reminds me I’m alive.  I have been watching some of the documentaries on the opioid crisis, listening to some of the survivor’s stories, and can’t help but wonder why?

Over the last couple of months, I’ve been writing an article, technically the second part of the article, but I was really having a hard time finishing it, I finally finished the piece last night.  Writing the truth is painful, it’s stressful, but mostly it’s raw.  When a child grows up, were supposed to be strong, inquisitive, smart, and standing up for the rights of the weak, what we are really growing up into was a group of people that wanted to make their lives better for their kids than it was for them growing up and in more ways than not we failed, we overprotected our kids tried to teach them through our mistakes when in reality we were so damaged we couldn’t see far enough to completely help anyone.

As of last week, an Arizona Court made a decision saying concentrates in Arizona are illegal, I’m not sure how this is going to affect us yet, but please keep in mind when you’re a terminally ill patient, a cancer patient, epileptic, chronic pain, or mentally inadequate this concentrate helps us continue on with our day.  When we smoke the flower it helps, sometimes not a lot but it helps, when it comes to my pain flower is not adequate alone, I use the concentrates for better pain management coverage and smoke flower between dabs to keep the pain at bay, I have infused honey and added it to tea, I’ve cooked with it, and I smoke it, am I addicted…I’m not sure but one thing I know for a fact I like who I have become in the last couple of years so much better than I was, cancer may still take my life but I won’t have any regrets.  Cannabis has given me a second chance, a second chance to live, really be alive and I’m so thankful, I share my story with other patients like me that have basically slept walked through their lives like I did and I offer unconditional support, we all have demons some are better than others but the only way to beat them is to accept our shortcomings and learn from our mistakes and the most important part is non-judgement.  Sometimes we just need a little help and that’s ok.

STAY FREE, FLY HIGH, AND AS ALWAYS FUCK CANCER!

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Daily Diary Dream Diary

My Journey towards cannabis, Wining the Battle with Opioids

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Addiction, now that’s a scary word and the scariest part is we all have an addiction to something.  This particular blog has been the hardest one for me to write, not because I did have an addiction to opioids for over a decade but because now it’s time for me to take responsibility for my own actions and demons.

I grew up with a single mom and an older brother, my mom worked odd hours being a radio DJ.  What I can remember of my mom, she always had an addiction to something, caffeine, opioids, coke, I even accused my mother of being a prostitute at one point, I don’t think that was true but the drugs definitely were.  It was the 80’s and my mom was a radio personality, she loved her job and most of the time my brother and I did too, however being in the rock and roll scene in the 80’s illicit drugs were readily available, and they were all doing them.

I would watch my mom getting ready for her interviews and I was in awe, my mother in her youth was beautiful, thin, beautiful curly hair, and everyone loved her.  I was about 9 I think, and my mom always had her girlfriends over when she was getting ready, plus they always went with her, when I got really sick I barged into the bathroom without knocking, which was absolutely forbidden to vomit.  On the back of the toilet was a silver and glass trey with what I now know was coke on it, my mother was pretty upset and I got into a heaping of trouble but that day I honestly believe my life was saved.  My mother was mad at me for weeks, this was when our relationship started to die, I started to watch everything she did I hated what was going on and she knew it, but she didn’t have control.

I watched my beautiful charismatic mother turn into someone I didn’t recognize, chasing the high took it’s toll not only mentally but physically.  She would use and it didn’t matter what kind of a mood she was in, her face darkened, her eyes looked evil, even her little giggle turned into a witch cackle that haunts my dreams to this day.  My mother was manic depressive so everything she did was big, she had to have a constant validation to feel her own self-worth, by everybody.  My mother had a tough life starting with her mother’s death, she was the oldest of the 6 kids and her father worked full time and was alcoholic leaving my mom to care for the kids at home.  I believe this is the time frame my mother’s eating disorder spiraled out of control, first restricting, saying she wanted to make sure the kids have enough to eat, this went on for a few years.

My brother was born summer 73 and I was born summer of 74, but I’m not sure she was ready to settle down if she ever was.  My mother chased a few feminist movements for a while but would lose interest, music was the one thing she never lost her passion for.  By the time I made it to high school I hadn’t seen my mother in about 3 years, she sent me away to live with a relative for a year, and after reporting the abuse to the authorities I was sent to live with my father.

My father was a reserved guy, he was busted after I was born for selling Cannabis, 100 pounds of cannabis to an undercover officer, and needless to say, he did several years for the crime.   My father turned his life around after getting busted and I’m really proud of him for that.  When I was reunited with my father he was re-married to a lady that I believe loved him more than anything, but wasn’t happy about having a teenager in the house, especially a teenager with an abusive past like mine.  The scars were deeper than even I remembered.

I was a teenage mess, my biological mother would initiate abuse between my brother and I for her and her friend’s amusement, usually resulting in me being unconscious more times than not.  I saw a counselor through CPS at the time, however it was unsuccessful, for therapy to help you have to understand and remember what happened and work through it together making sense out of what you can, but mostly accepting what happened and understanding as a child it wasn’t my fault, sometimes I still have to remind myself of today.  By this time there was no stopping the eating disorder I developed, when I was sent to live with a relative of my mothers, he had been molesting me for almost a year by this time, desperate and scared one day I got this great idea, we were selling candy bars for a fundraiser at school, I brought a couple of boxes home and put them in the freezer.  Whenever I was depressed or afraid he was going to touch me I would eat a couple of candy bars, if I was fat he wouldn’t want me (or so I thought).

I had been living with my father and stepmom for a couple of years when the nightmares started.  They were so real I would wake up and just cry until I remembered enough of the dream to start asking my father questions.  The dreams jump around a lot, so I started with detail in the dream.  I remember a doll with dark curly hair, pretty knitted dress, and a 2-liter bottle full of sand, is this real?  My father sat back in his chair that day looking at me as if he had to make the decision right then to tell me the truth, it was quiet for a couple of minutes when my father said: “yes it was real, that doll was made for you when you were 2 years old”.  Before I could get the question out “who was the dark-haired lady?”  My father decided I was old enough for the truth, and this is pretty much how it went.

The dark haired lady was my father’s girlfriend at the time, and they had been busted for selling a large quantity of cannabis to an undercover police officer, only my father “forgot” to tell the police there was a 3-year-old little girl in a trailer by herself.  As my father finished the story I saw the shame in his eyes, he left me in a trailer for 3 days by myself and never told anyone, and my father’s girlfriend finally told the police.  The police had no idea what they were going to find, however, they got ahold of my mother and told her to come to get me.  I don’t remember what happened when the police found me, I only remember the last words out of my dad’s mouth that day.  You took care of yourself getting food when you were hungry, watched cartoons, and stayed in the trailer, nobody had any idea you were there.

We were called latchkey kids in those days, we didn’t have babysitters, half the time we didn’t have parents, and no tech.  I don’t know how we survived at times.  This is where I was very different from my family, even though I didn’t remember a lot of the memories of drug abuse from my mother, I didn’t want my kids to see me the way I saw her growing up, I never experimented with street drugs, I never had the desire but I know my brother did.  I saw the warning signs of street drugs while completely ignoring the warning signs of opioid addiction.

I’m a cancer patient going through hell treatments and the drugs I take are prescribed by my doctor, I’m not an addict just trying to have a decent quality of life, so I tried to convince myself.  At one point in time for me to be able to pull off a huge event like Arizona Bike Week, I had to have pain medications, muscle relaxers, blood pressure medication, anti-nausea medications, and anxiety medication just to make it through the day.  If it’s multiple day events, I knew I was going to hurt and it’s going to take me a couple of weeks to recoup.  Not including the bowl healing time, opioids have a horrible side effect of constipation, when your constipated and physically active, it is painful prompting the use of more pain medicine.

It’s a horrible catch 22 more and more people are finding themselves in today.  With the opioid crisis, people are getting stuck in a cycle, they don’t want to use but in the same aspect, they can’t handle the pain, whether physical or emotional pain.  Pain is a basic teacher if something hurts you don’t want to do it again but because of how strong of an addiction these drugs have, people are having a harder time seeing past the addiction, and in some cases not wanting to see past the addiction.

For me, my addictions have helped me forget my past, they have allowed me to escape to a place I don’t have to understand, the emotional pain doesn’t live here, and my demons are never in the dark.  It’s not a healthy way to live and I have spent the last several years just trying to lay my past to rest without much success, but I have learned the power of people.  I have been sharing pieces of my story for the last couple of years, the abuse (physical and emotional), rape, addiction, and eating disorder and I honestly have to wonder why?  Not just why me but why not me.  I never used illicit street drugs, no real desire to try them but I was heavily addicted to opioids and honestly a few years ago I wanted it all to end, I was done with the pain, the cancer treatments, the vomiting, I was tired and done.  Why was I still here, my parents didn’t want me that was apparent, my husband at the time was very abusive, my kids hated me, and I couldn’t blame them because I hated me to and the saddest part was I couldn’t even remember why.

So, why?  I learned by watching my mom that hard drugs weren’t my thing but I never made the connection in my own brain that taking opioids the way I did was no different.  My brother learned Opioids weren’t his thing, but because of his trauma, he was self-medicating his way.  Now my question lies with my kids, my kids weren’t abused, but they did see what I went through even though the underlying medical diagnosis is cancer the more deadly and serious diagnosis was the addiction.  Addiction was killing me and I couldn’t see it, how do you tell a cancer patient no, the pain won’t kill you but the cure can.  My kids remember their childhood as me as an addict, a slave to a pain medication, however, my addiction in my head was justified, I’m not a junkie, I’m a cancer patient.

The other day I received a message from a fan saying they can’t subscribe to my channel because I’m a junkie and smoke pot, and honestly it pissed me off, I’m still pretty upset by it, technically I had a problem I couldn’t control with opioids but I didn’t consider myself a drug addict or at least not a junkie.   I still don’t feel that using medical cannabis is bad, being able to control some of the pain is important, if I can keep my pain level to a 4 or 5 I don’t use cannabis throughout the day (only when the pain is a 5 + do I smoke in the morning), I will use cannabis to help me eat and keep food down, about 15 minutes before I eat I usually smoke, not because I hurt even though I do sometimes, but for the pure help eating, and nausea control.

I have had an eating disorder since I was young, I started out trying to eat as much as I could to be fat so my uncle would lose interest, to going weeks without eating anything.  Humans are the only animal that will instinctively do something stupid, no other animal starves themselves to death.  I love to cook and I try to eat every day it’s just hard.  I don’t have a bad body image and sometimes I wish I did because maybe it would be easier, I haven’t tried to lose weight or gain weight in the last 10 years but when my body says no to food I have to seek help, Medical Cannabis has helped me stabilize a 1200 calorie a day diet so far, yes 1200 calories a day isn’t a lot but it’s a start.  I have built a routine around eating and no exercise, because I’m not in taking enough calories on a daily basis to maintain a healthy lifestyle, I know and recognize this and am actively trying to correct this, however, patience is a must for everyone involved in this process.  It’s just as frustrating for the patient as for the family.

I did seek help and tried to talk to psychologists several times, and I have a hard time sticking with it not because I don’t want to but because I don’t remember enough anymore, when these dreams come back they are so broken I’ve found, relaxation and allowing the dream to fade before trying to reconcile it, make it make sense.  Once I can remember enough of the dream I try to find pictures or stories from someone which is a lot harder now, actually impossible, so making sense sometimes is as simple as accepting it happening and remembering they can’t hurt me anymore.  Does it actually work, no, but I remember having a conversation with my brother about our childhood and him saying yes, he too has found people to talk to and he will talk to anyone sometimes that will listen just to get it off his chest?  The abuse to him, turning him into the abuser, when we were kids really affected his ability to fully accept a wife, because he and I were best friends even though my mother had him abuse me for her entertainment he viewed me and women differently it’s hard to beat up your little sister for years and she’s your best friend despite what was going on, I never blamed him, hell I barely remembered it.  I was remembering, the nightmares had started again and that laugh, her laugh it was always the last thing I heard before I was unconscious, I had to ask my brother about a memory recently and it was in the mix of all of this and he told me what he did, he loved me and he didn’t want to but going against her, my mother’s favorite saying was I brought you into the world and I can take you out, and I think to an extent we believed her.  My brother is a good man, he punishes himself as I do for things that happened in our past, things he couldn’t control.

We are all human and mistakes are going to happen the real healing is when I see people coming together today, accepting us and all our mistakes, learning from our mistakes, sharing these stories of successfully beating an opioid addiction or any addiction, if our stories can help one other person understand that they are worth life, love, happiness, and a good quality of life, if we can save one child from repeating our history, or one parent from severely abusing their child then we have done our jobs.

I started Freemycure.org just over 2 years ago when I learned it was ok to live sadly, I figured it out after a terminal diagnosis.  I have spent the larger part of 44 years of life, chronically ill, tortured and controlled by Big Pharma, hiding from the world, and being so afraid of my own shadow that I just make myself sicker, haunted by memories of a past that would bring grown men to their knees begging for mercy and praying for it to end, that and I didn’t know what life was.  I have talked with many people, I’ve heard many other stories of addiction like mine and one thing I have learned we all had in common was we were all running from something, emotional scars take forever to heal if they ever do they can be 10 times more painful than a physical ailment and it is can be a very hard journey to come back from.  To this day I can’t handle large crowds (I will get a bad anxiety attacks), stress, something as simple as checking the checking account will cause serious stress and ulcers, immune deficiencies, eating disorder, not to menschen diseases I now live with like Ulcerative Colitis and migraines, was all of this caused by my addiction no, but it didn’t help.  By building freemycure.org, building social media accounts and talking with so many of you, I found a safe place for me to be able to vent, learn, and help educate others.  Cannabis saved my life, not just because it’s killing the cancer but because it helped me realize who I am, it helped me claim my voice, it helped me see the path I was on was going to kill me, and I actually wanted to live.  Trading one addiction for another is not recommended and please understand the actual definition of an addict is a person not being able to function and control with and without it, as a productive member of society.  I smoke or use cannabis every day to help control my pain, to help stimulate my appetite, to keep my demons at bay, and to help me function mentally.  Is it an addiction?  I’m not sure, I have personally gone several days without using cannabis, I was able to function but my writing is always lacking without cannabis, each piece I write, I feel the healing, being able to forgive myself for the stupid crap I did, thank god there are no pictures.

Opioid addiction is declining in states that have legalized cannabis, and I personally found hope the day I found cannabis.  Anything used to excess can be dangerous, but after living with years of abusing my own body I feel I need the help cannabis has offered, I honestly believe cannabis has helped me reach my potential in writing, in love, and in life and if I had to do it over again I would choose cannabis.  Is cannabis a gateway drug?  I personally don’t think so but I do believe both sides have a compelling argument.

STAY FREE, FLY HIGH, AND AS ALWAYS FUCK CANCER!

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Daily Diary Dream Diary

Dream Diary 1, 7/4/18

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The same dream or memory I’ve had so many times before woke me again tonight, a girl and I, when we were maybe 12 years old, I can’t remember her name for the life of me but I remember we were friends right before my mom sent my brother away to live with other people.  I remember I spent the night at her house we, of course, stayed up late, drank some soda, snuck out of the house after her parents went to sleep, we walked down to the Walgreens and bought stuff to do our nails and more sugary snacks went home and called boys on the phone and if we were lucky in those days it wasn’t stuck to a wall in a communal area of the house, as you try to whisper just as softly and loudly as you could to the person on the other end of the phone line because it was always located right outside the parents bedroom and you know that wasn’t on accident.  The positions I would get into the whole time I was on the phone, my dad would laugh at me shaking his head as he walked away like I get it I would if I could.  Her and I had a blast what I remember, but honestly in those days I was just happy not to be at home and sadly for reasons I can’t completely remember you see my brothers and my childhood wasn’t the best and my mind decided to protect me and it hid those memories from me as I got older.  The holes in my memory that are really bad when my opioid addiction was at it’s highest, so I decided to follow some of the training I have and started journaling and maybe it can help come to terms with some of my demons.

So here I am in bed with the light turned way down on my pad it’s 2:43 am and I woke up from the same dream I’ve had 20 times it’s that night I spent over at her house I believe her and I worked together we sold candy door to door said we were trying to earn a scholarship but it was pure child labor crooked thing we knew it but it paid us a dollar every time we sold a box of candy and that was ok money for a 12-year-old and I usually lifted a box of nut clusters ah the days before an eating disorder, how we survived our childhood I don’t honestly know.  So far all I’ve been able to remember, we did our nails, makeup and hair because it was the big hair days the bigger the better.  We snuck out for maybe an hour and talked to some boys on the phone but other then that I don’t remember anything else that night, the next morning I don’t remember going home but my friend and I got sick like stomach flu sick but it was painful, I remember my mom got a call from the girls mother and the daughter tested positive for Spinal Meningitis and that because I had been sick and exposed my mom rushed me to the ER where I thought for sure they were killing me, back in those days I don’t remember insurance being an available thing, but it might have been my mother again wasn’t very maternal, it was always the county hospital where they’re like 50 years behind then literally anyplace else at least then and honestly my mom wasn’t the whole I don’t know material.

The Doctors asked some questions and then told me there was really only 2 ways to do a spinal tap and that was for me to lay in a fetal position and hold really still because if I move he could accidentally paralyze me from the waist down, I’m paraphrasing of course, doctors can be like lawyers you can’t understand a damn thing coming out of their mouth sometimes, or I can lay in the fetal position and the two men nurse would hold me down and he would do it, so of course my option was held down and done however it wasn’t an actual choice, the first catheter or something didn’t set and the doctor had to do it twice.  That was hell and I remember my back was sore for a week or two after, they did a few other tests but were almost positive that I had spinal meningitis because the girl I spent the night with and I got sick at the same time.  The doctors started an antibiotic in the IV I think they even gave me Demerol for the pain, about 12 hours later or what seemed like it now, it’s still hazy the test came back negative for spinal meningitis, however, the diagnosis was confusing, the doctors said I suffered from sympathy pain.  When my friend became so violently ill my emotions or heart hurt so badly for her that it manifested all the same symptoms in me and the pain I was feeling was as real as hers was that tested positive for spinal meningitis.  I was released to go home without any further explanation that I can remember I never saw that girl again like I said my mom sent us away,  I’ve only ever thought of that girl one other time and it was about a year after the incident.  I had only lived in Washington about a year and I turned into a very shy, sad, quiet kid…  I was in 8th grade and the only reason why I can remember that is because of my class picture, the 1 material thing my mother kinda did took a few pictures and kept them, not a lot I have 3 baby pictures total.  That day, the only other time I ever really thought of her I will never forget, it was the day I escaped one hell, complete with writing 3 complete identical statements for the police, what felt like a million interviews with the police and doctors, and my brain closed the door on those memories.  Which is oddly that abrupt, I was on a plane to Arizona a few days later, I think, I hate saying I think behind everything I write but most of my memories are focused around a single event, I have to refer to other details in the

memory then try to remember slowly building on the memory over time.

I don’t know if it’s a blessing or a curse that I can’t remember my past, but I know I don’t like that the memories are coming back in my dreams and they are so fragmented you don’t know what’s real or not.  If you can’t remember your past are you truly destined to repeat it?  Am I supposed to be learning something? Fixing something?  Am I missing something?  I used to ask about the dreams when my parents were alive, then I started asking my brother, I’m afraid to do that anymore I’m afraid to know anymore and honestly, I think my brother is afraid to tell me.  Now I sit in a dark room staring at a white screen while trying to type quietly in the dark and remember as much detail about the dream as possible so maybe I can put this memory to rest.  I try focusing on the background of the dream, where was I? what was I doing?  what were others around me doing?  Was it daytime \ night time 1 or multiple times?  Oddly was I trying to be sneaky in the dream ever? I tend to get a little more memory then, at times I was trying to sneak around I was paying really close attention to what I did, and I was pretty good at it at times, I was usually sneaking around trying to get my brother back for something he did to me, my brother was my best friend and worst enemy, when children suffer years of abuse and torture by a parent we are quick to latch on to that safe place or safe person, no matter what nobody beat up my brothers sister except him, lol.

The more of the dream I can remember the better chance I have at figuring out why my brain is showing me these things and normally I’ll move on to another dream or memory.  This is my entire life, gaps in memory, times that there are not enough spoons in the world to get out of bed, spoons is the relly cool way to describe how your feeling times I’ve prayed for death and life but I keep moving, I keep remembering.  I’ve met some of the coolest people in the world thanks to social media, I’ve met the coolest celebrities and the rudest, I’ve developed weird habits and broke heavy addictions, I’ve had great romances that I can’t remember anymore.

Once I forget it all, all the memory of me, who am I? Do I exist any longer? Some of my fear is that I’m forgetting doctors appointments, or forgetting to arrange an uber, because I have to do it in advance days in advance, and I’m mentally drained or honestly I’m tired of seeing the look in the doctors eyes when not only can they not fully explain what’s wrong with me but they know it’s painful and now with the “opioid epidemic”, their hands are tied.  I have literally thrown a hissy fit and stopped going to the doctors not because I feel better but because I am sick of hearing “I know but”, If I hear another “I know but” I know you have a very painful disease they don’t call Insecticidal cystitis the painful bladder disease because it tickles, It feels, all the time like my bladder is full of acid slowly sizzling at the tissue of the bladder wall, the urethra slowly but very sharply starts to twitch, now depending on how many of those little twitches you get and their intensity will predict the outcome of the actual spams to follow, I, however, didn’t come up with the spoons analygy but it’s perfect  I have made my own way to chart the episodes to hopefully start understanding what exactly causes or triggers an episode and maybe avoid them all together, as of now we’ve had no luck, my body hates me for something I did or maybe I killed someone in a previous life IDK, but if I did I’m sorry, but I can’t handle much more.

It’s sad I truly understand the doctor’s point of view, it’s a witch hunt right now, they are stuck looking us the patients and by “they” I mean good doctors, in the eyes, know we are suffering but there really isn’t much they can do to help us and they have to watch us cry because of the pain, they have heard us beg them to just end the suffering but they can’t help us, in one aspect giving us the pain medication helps our quality of life but it seriously hurts our quality of life as well.  The addiction that goes along with chronic pain and illness is a hell of its own on one hand you can get some of the pain seriously diminished with narcotics, and it amplifies the pain when you don’t have any pain medicine, it’s a doubled edged sword.

If I hadn’t have listened to friends and family on the cannabis issue I would be dead today.  I was done with the pain and the addiction, but if I hadn’t tried cannabis for myself and I was blindly facing this opioid epidemic that so many people are facing I would as so many others have taken my exit plan.  I’m not super religious and I can honestly say I’m no longer afraid of death, my kids are grown and I’ts been an interesting journey this far, any patient that has dealt with as many years of crap as I’ve had we have an exit plan, it’s usually quiet, painless, clean, and oh ya very permanent.  No, I’m not saying I’m suicidal or have a death wish, all I’m saying is when the time comes I will go out on my own terms.

STAY FREE, FLY HIGH, AND AS ALWAYS FUCK CANCER!

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Daily Diary Education Uncategorized Video Blog

Chronic Pain Patients Commiting Suicide To Escape The Pain

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This blog is really hard for me to write and make the video on because I can relate completely I’ve been there and now I want to share my experience and sadness.  I was first diagnosed with cancer when I was 19 years old, I lived on my own and was basically on my own, I didn’t talk to my family or rather they didn’t talk to me.  My mother I was getting to know again but the relationship was draining you see my mom disowned me because she had a mental break down and she sent my brother and I to live with different family members, she separated me from the one person I felt I couldn’t live without my brother and sent me to live with a horrible monster her uncle who then started molesting me and I honestly hated her but needed her all at the same time.  How exactly does that work?  I later found out more about the abuse my conscious hid from me and to this day even though she has passed I still hold a love-hate relationship in my heart for my mother.  My father was different, he was a good stand up man who had remarried and nice lady for him, however not so much for me.  I know they loved one another very much and they had 3 beautiful kids together they were married for over 30 years I believe, but my father because very ill he ended up with lung and bone cancer.  My father went through chemo and radiation to try to beat it however he lost his battle and passed away, and I believe the last phone call I received from my father pretty much sums up our relationship my older brother and I had been invited to Christmas dinner the day prior and my father called to cancel because my stepmom only wanted family at that dinner for fear it was going to be his last and he pasted a couple of weeks later leaving my brother and I orphans.

I tell this story to explain mental health development starts at an early age and with the way I grew up was a setup for failure.  With all this negative drama it’s constantly pounding in your head, you will start having dreams of things in the past and now finding out that some of those nightmares I’ve lived with were real hurts and that mental pain needs to be dealt with.  For a long time, I self-medicated not only my real pain from cancer, treatments, surgeries, chemo, and the whole shebang but I was also using opioids to ease my mental pain, to knock me out so I didn’t have another nightmare.  It got so bad I was sleepwalking and taking them and with no memory of doing it, and honestly now as I look back I think subconsciously I was done I was so tired, I couldn’t remember more, I couldn’t handle the demons.  Luckily my husband saw what was going on and one day he approached me, however instead of calling me out on it and a whole intervention he sat down and told me story about someone he knew and all he talked to me about was the sleep-waking he said a friend at work said it about his wife and he asked me, the guy asked should he talk to his wife and now my husband asked me “what would you say to him talk to her or no?”  I said definitely talk to her.  Then he asked, “what if it was you?” I paused a moment and asked, is it?  As he shook his head yes and lowered his head a bit I could see the level of concern and all I could say was ok what do we do?  He started giving me my pills on a daily basis and hiding the rest this went on for a year and I was doing pretty well but the legal Marijuana program started in Arizona and I started my research.  I read every book I could get my hands on all the way to learning how to cultivate organically.  As I researched online I found it harder and harder to find information on how the different cannabis affects an individual, what different cannabis strains help with what, and can I become addicted to cannabis the way I was addicted to opioids?

In this article, I want to explain a little bit about what the chronically ill and chronic pain patients want you to know.  Now I using an article I didn’t write to reference here it is a great article please read it, it’s very well written by Tea Lynn Moore.

  1. “We try hard to look good”  This statement hits very close to home on days I Video Blog or go out it takes me close to 2 hours to get ready because I can’t stand comfortably for that amount of time without resting, then when I am ready I have to rest before the activity starts especially if what I’m doing is in the cannabis industry because if I don’t you can see the pain and the hurt in my eyes and face.  I don’t want people to see me that way and start with the pity and how sorry they are, guys we know you are sorry and we know if you could fix it you would and no one can it’s ok.  At the doctor now, I have learned if we don’t look sick we get the looks or the statement you look like you’re feeling good today.    No, it’s not that we feel any different than any other day, it’s that we think get up get dressed try to look good on the outside so you can try to feel good on the outside and most of the time it helps a little but it just makes us feel better to look good.

 

  1. “It’s not all n our heads” OMG! If I hear another doctor say that I’m going to go insane. This is where I wish I had the superpower to just touch the doctor and for one minute they can feel what I’m feeling then they would know for a fact where it hurt and how bad and I’ll bet anyone a million dollars those doctors would fall to their knees and cry screaming in pain.  I really think that’s all that needs to be said here.

 

  1. “We are not making an mountain out of a mole hole” Now for those of you that don’t understand it’s fairly simple I have gone to the hospital recently because I was in a body crash and what happens in a body crash is I start vomiting and going number 2 to the point my bowl is clear completely clear but smelly, smelly, yuck I start omitting bile, I’m in so much pain it takes everything I have to just get into the bathroom and sit on the toilet and vomit in a trash can sorry this is so descriptive but it’s pure hell.  I have had the doctors come in and they start the fluids and the nausea medicine but they always try to have me swallow a Percocet and I try to nicely tell them no it’s not going to work I get ulcers in my stomach and intestines, I have ulcerative colitis and they have to do IV pain meds to get it under control.  They normally try a low dose to start with or a shot of toroidal that doesn’t help, until my blood work comes back and then normally the doctor comes back in offering a higher dose normally a stay in the hospital for a few days, but always the first thing they think us were exaggerating the pain.

 

  1. “No matter how long we’ve been suffering for, it still hurts”  This is a big one please understand we don’t have a timer on our pain, it doesn’t rest, it doesn’t fix itself in the middle of the night, and take a holiday.  With any type of pain medication whether it be Big Pharma, medical cannabis, or sadly street drugs the more you take the more you have to take to get the same result, in other words if you take 1 opioid a day for let’s say 3 months (this is hypothetical I’m using as an example) to get the same relief from your Percocet you may now have to start taking two to get the same relief as you were getting previously, and in another 3 months you may have to move to a stronger medicine or take more for the same relief and so on.  This is building a tolerance to the substance and it takes more to help.  It is an endless cycle and people are needing a better quality of life we are searching for it that’s why I created this channel and blog to share my experience and hopefully help someone else.

 

  1. “Sometimes we don’t have the spoons” This analogy is perfect and was coined by Christine Miserandino a warrior living with Lupus. Please check out her blog Here there is a lot of great information to help you guys as well.  The spoons signify how much strength we have we wake up each morning with a number of spoons depending on how we feel, please keep in mind the number of spoons we have vary on any given day, we then lose a spoon with each daily activity like getting out of bed, or taking a shower each activity wears us down until we just don’t have the spoons to do anything else that day.

 

  1. “We’re not lazy”, OMG! No we’re not there are many days I have to take a nap, I have to refill my “spoons” per say, or I don’t have any spoons to use so I stay in bed for the day, I will write, read, watch documentaries and nap during this time but my house doesn’t get clean, I can’t do a video blog, but I’m still actively doing something even if it’s giving my body rest so I can heal.

 

  1. “If we don’t have a job it’s for a reason”, when I found out I was terminal it sucked really bad but it opened my eyes to life, to new experiences, new people, and a whole new world. I’m being told I’m going to leave this earth, say goodbye to so many things I haven’t gotten to experience.  I have a bucket list and sadly I haven’t even started it because of money, but I quit my job at first I was running away from anything that was accepting death.  I really loved my job and I did help a lot of people but I wasn’t fully invested there and when they told me to choose “lose my job if I use cannabis, which is legal in this state, or keep my job and die” and yes this was the exact words used.  So I chose life with cannabis, and now that I’m considered “terminal” and chronically ill we can’t find a job.  Then to top it all off in order to apply for social security benefits you must be out of work for a year, how the hell is that supposed to work?  So I built Freemycure.org and I started blogging as often as I could, now I write for Weed World Magazine I don’t get paid for the articles however I do it because it has improved my quality of life so much and I’m hoping to help all of you.

 

  1. “Every Minute feels like an eternity when waiting”, this statement is so true right this second, the pain in my back and bladder has started to get really bad to the point I had to take my muscle relaxer.  Now the muscle relaxer is going to take approximately 45 minute, however we have changed all the clocks in our house to no second hands because I will focus on it to the point it feels like everything around me has stopped and I hear gasping for air and it feels like you’re going to pass out, it can knock the breath out of me dropping me to my knees in pain, and all you can think is please god please make it stop.

 

  1. “It’s really hard to get out bed in the morning… and always”, ok so my bed it a cushy pillow top mattress that forms around me, in the morning I wake up sore as I’m lying there, then comes the getting out of bed ritual, sit up let my head stop spinning, because of IC and Ulcerative colitis I get anemic, I’m usually pretty weak until I am able to urinate then it’s straight for the smoke room, I will pack and smoke a bowl then take my morning medication and I take a nap, this starts at 4 am every morning. I usually lay back down and rest from 5 to 7 when I start the shower and getting ready process, my hubby has learned to tell me our plans are an hour earlier so we’re not late.

 

  1. “We are not ignoring you” OMG! So true I get several people that ask what’s going on throughout the day, or even answering all the messages is exhausting when your body is fighting an illness or just picking up your phone or answering email takes energy we don’t have, or we’re mad because we don’t feel good and we don’t want to drag you into the negativity with us.  Yes we get mad because we’re sick or hurting or depressed it’s normal, however, if you ever feel you need to talk to someone or need to talk to a counselor the Suicide Prevention number is 1-800-273-8255

 

  1. “We get really excited when we’re having a good day” very true statement, for example, my YouTube channel has started to grow I’ve done a couple of videos I’m really proud and happy and I will jump and dance around and be silly around the house. On a good day, I feel better, not pain-free not illness free, just better, I feel I look better on those days, I feel I can write better, and I feel I have a better mental grip on myself.

 

  1. “We get really bumbed when we have a bad day and can’t do the things we love” On bad days I feel ugly, gross, tired, depressed and in a lot of pain. Being chronically ill with chronic pain.  I get mad at myself when I can’t do the things I have planned, honestly I’m  my own hardest critic I think we all can be, and then with a chronic condition beating your body (that’s what it feels like) then depression hits in, now at this point please keep in mind you have a choice try finding someone around you that you can talk to I personally recommend a professional

 

  1. “It can be hard to find a good doctor” when you have a condition that causes severe pain, pain management doctors are leaving the pain management field for fear of federal prosecution and primary doctors are still sending patients to pain management doctors so they don’t face federal prosecution.  So what happens to these patients? What about these peoples quality of life?  What about these patients lives?

 

  1. “We are not drug seekers” This one is a little harder for me, and the reason is once anyone gets addicted it takes more of it to help. We are seeking a better quality of life, if someone could figure out how to cure all of our pain, inventing one of little scanner that they have Star track that fixes us without pills I’m am all over that.

 

  1. You don’t need to give us suggestions or medical advice”, I have had so many people that give me suggestions all the time but I promise I am pretty well versed on my condition, as with others that have chronic conditions. I have read every book I could find, hit the internet and researched everything I could find on cancer and cannabis, however, 1 thing I think is funny when you tell your primary doctor and tell him you’re using cannabis and see what he or she says.

 

  1. “Love and Support”, this one is hard for most, and I don’t blame you if it’s hard. Watching your mom, dad, sister, or brother waste away is hard, it hurts, you will curse God and apologize.  I get it, but the is one thing I can honestly tell you if you really want to help us come to visit, do an activity together, and take 5 minutes to go out of your way to make a phone call, stop in and help with some of the household chores.  This helps the chronically ill patients stimulates their minds, allows them to be a little less depressed, and shine a little hope at the end of the tunnel.

 

I personally weaned myself, with my husband’s help, off the opioids a couple of years ago and I started cannabis, on really bad days I will consume up to 4 grams of RSO a day along with smoking to help with breakthrough pain.  Suicide prevention hotline 1-800-273-8255 and their web page is, https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

16 Things People in Chronic Pain Want You to Know

https://butyoudontlooksick.com/

Nicola Dickens

STAY FREE, FLY HIGH, AND AS ALWAYS FUCK CANCER!

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